He is so faithful even when I'm not.

This is basically almost verbatim to what I wrote in my journal yesterday. I don't apologize for it being so long, but it's too amazing not to share:

The past couple of days have been a bit rough, as I’m trying to loose un-biblical mindsets and understandings of who God is and have them changed into correct ones. Now this may seem a bit confusing if you read this post too close after the last one, but in my head it actually kinda makes some sense. By gaining revelation of His love it will allow me to let go and walk away from wrong perceptions of Him; one that reduce His power, glory, love, goodness… I could probably go one for a while. And just because it’s good doesn’t mean it feels good now. There are lots of different half formed ideas and thoughts about who He is running around in my head that don’t fit together and I’m trying to figure out how they fit.

Thursday I had a long talk with Robert about this question, where does sin come from, where does sickness come from, who’s fault is it, whose in charge of what aspects, the story of Job, the story of the man born blind, the woman with the issue of blood, our authority in Christ… Like I said, it was a long conversation that came after me balling my eyes out for a few hours as I wrestled with faith and offense. I walked away from my talk with Robert still pretty conflicted, but I did feel a bit better to get it out.

Robert didn’t really have an answer to the “why” questions, which I wasn’t expecting him to, but he didn’t discourage me from asking them. That was new. And he could actually relate to me grappling with questions of “why did this happen?” and “where were you when…?” better than most people can. He did to encourage me to turn around my questioning though. Rather than starting from my stand point, looking at this world and pointing back to God, he was saying I need to start with God and work from there. God is good even when I don’t understand it. He didn’t create us to die, but as we sow, we shall reap. Adam, who is the father of us all, sowed sin and he’s reaping big time. God could repeal the curse that sin ahs brought in, but He hasn’t. But the Bible, and the Hebrew people it was originally written to have a way different view on death then we do in our society now. The bible’s view is that the dead are just sleeping; some in ecstasy, others in torment, because it’s not really the end. Biblically the “second death” s what we should really be worried about. This isn’t viewed rightly either, because if it was, sin would be a lot less enticing. When we’ve been tempted to sin (lie, cheat, steal, gossip, sexual immorality) we’d remember that the result of that would be a trip to the lake of fire, and we’d say ‘it’s not worth it.’

Trying to reconcile cancer and Dad’s death is going to be tough. Robert was encouraging me to really pour my attention to studying and meditating of the resurrection of the dead when Jesus returns. The Bible repeatedly describes this as our hope. Also as I’m wrestling with these issues to not push God out of it. To not let go of praying the prayers, and singing the songs, reading the books, because He wasn’t to be a part of the wrestle with me. Man, this is going to be long…

All day long I had one of the songs from the prayer room repeating in my head, which isn’t too new, most days I have a song in my head, and here I’ve definitely had a worship song in my head all day long. It was the “selection” (I don’t usually do the picking you see) that was a bit odd considering that my heart has been hurting so much and wrestling with my emotions and thoughts to choose to trust and love the Lord. All day long the lines I kept hearing were:

“God is my refuge, my help in time of trouble
God is my refuge, my help in time of need.”

It’s a chorus frequently sung by Audra Lynn’s team, and that night I was reading in Proverbs 18: 10, it says; “The name of the Lord is a strong tower, the righteous run to it and are safe.” I’d say the odds of my thoughts preemptively matching up with the reading I’ll be doing later, are pretty slim. Even as I sat there, struggling to believe it, it warmed my heart to see His faithfulness to my heart. How adamant He is that I really get it, and really believe.

A short time later in the prayer room as I’m still writing, (though I’ve changed the order to help make it clear to the reader.) the worship team is singing through Psalm 46:1-3, which is weird because it says:

"God is our refuge and strength and ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear thought the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, though it’s waters roar and from the mountains quake with their swelling.”

And a chorus of

“I will trust in the name of the Lord
I will trust in my God
I will trust in the name of the Lord
I will run into Your name.”

This has definitely been the theme of my day, even in my wrestle.

The next day a friend prayed for me, and not knowing my situation or my day before, she said she felt like the Lord told her to tell me to read Psalm 28:7

“The Lord is my strength and my shield,
my heart trust in Him and I and helped.
My heart leaps for joy and I will
give thanks to Him in song.”

He's so good to me, even as I'm trying to believe it.

pb