The same God of Ezekiel 1, came and lived as a man, washed the disciples feet, died on the cross and continually, patiently, waits for me. Though I repeatedly ignore Him, and even when I don't, can't quite seem to manage enough gratitude, and yet He wants my attention....

...

...


*mind blown*

A cry like Bartimaeus

Friday during our internship lead prayer room we were praying for revival in America, it’s a pretty common topic for our prayer, and a good one too. While we were praying I felt like the Lord reminded me of Bartimaeus. His story is in Mark 10:46-52, but also Luke 18 and Matthew 20, but he is only named in Mark.

Mark 10:46-52 “And they [Jesus and His disciples] came to Jericho. And as He was leaving Jericho with his disciples and a great crowd, Bartimaeus, a blind beggar, the son of Timaeus, was sitting by the roadside. And when he heard that it was Jesus of Nazareth, he began to cry out and say ‘Jesus, Son of David, have mercy on me!’ And many rebuked him, telling him to be silent. But he cried out all the more, ‘Son of David, have mercy on me!’ And Jesus stopped and said ‘Call him.’ And they called the blind man, saying to him, ‘Take heart. Get up! He is calling you.’ And throwing off his cloak, he sprang up and came to Jesus. And Jesus said to him, ‘What do you want me to do for you?’ And the blind man said to Him, ‘Rabbi, let me recover my sight.’ And Jesus said to him, ‘Go your way, your faith has made you well.’ And immediately he recovered his sight and followed Him on the way.”

I originally began thinking about this in context of healing, how Bartimaeus cried out to Jesus when he heard He was near. When others tried to silence him, he instead got louder, and more emphatic. Thinking of this in terms of my life, when society, people, strangers or friends, telling me I’m being “too religious” or or even my own flesh is growing weary, I should not let that stop me. If Bartimaeus had remained kept silent, Jesus would ahve walked by and he would have remained blind, but it was his emphatic fervent prayer that got Jesus' attention and His audience.(that is not to say that Jesus ignored him, didn't know him, or that our small quiet prayers don't matter. Mainly I was impressed by Bartimaeus' heart posture.) He knew that God could hear him, and He could help him, and he let nothing get in the way. We should know that as well.

I was mainly thinking about this in terms of healing, because that is the context of the story is presented, but as the morning went on, God broadened my understanding. As we were were praying for revival, I had to continuously decide not to let my tired mind and body quit me. I had to keep going for it, so like Bartimaeus I was praying that Jesus would have mercy on our nation and come reveal Himself to us. I almost missed when Beau began exhorting us to press harder, to all lift our voices and pray, "waring in the Spirit". I thought it was interesting that right after God was talking to me about crying out harder until God does what we need and only He can do, He led us to do it together. It brought confirmation to me that 1. the message was true, and 2. that the way the morning was unfolding really was good.

i love my leadership

I love my leaders.

Jonny, Robert, and Collin. They're awesome. I tried to think of something I could do for them to show them love. So after several months of observation, much trolling through of facebook photos and a litle bit of imagination, this is what I came up with. I worked on these without them knowing, and posted last week on facebook.


Jonny plays drums in the prayer room, and has this "happy tick" he does when he gets happy. I kinda had to make it up, but I think I got pretty close.

Collin is a singer in the prayer room and usually wears this blue hat.
This is Robert our Core Leader. He's the big boss man who gets to call all the shots. His authority is usually displayed through his pointy finger, and has become a habit that many of us have picked up by accident. He loves to read and has several bookcases filled with books in his house. He hates bananas, which blows my mind, so I put one in, just to make sure he was paying attention.

mind-blown at the zoo.

This week on our day off, most of my core group went to the Kansas City Zoo. Another group of interns went too, separately from us, and we bumped into each other and walk around and enjoyed the sights. It was a good time. The Kansas City Zoo is really big and pretty nice actually. I had heard good things, but it surpassed my expectations.

As we were waling around, several times throughout the day my mind was blown as I looked at and considered all the animals. The variety is astounding. The diversity of type, features, and sizes! WOW! That night there was a spectacular sunset and it got me thinking yet again about how God is the best painter/sculptor EVER! He's so creative. I've only ever been able to create from things I've previously seen, even if it's just been in my head. He created everything from nothing, literally, and no one told Him how to do it, or how to do it better. Even the "ugly" creatures are kinda beautiful when you consider that they were nothing until the Lord desired them to exist. The same God who created everything, made me (and you) and desires relationship with me (and you.) Once I get it, REALLY get it to the point that it's REALLY the reality that I look at the world through, I expect everything will change. Please Lord, in your mercy, let it be soon!

Psalm 139:13-16

For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.

The trip to the zoo made me remember how i wanted to work with animals when I was younger and how I didn't purse that route,but i don't regret it. I still did appreciate going and experiencing it though. It made think that as a Christian, a zoo keeper would have very different motivations for their job then someone who just likes animals. A Christian would (and i think we should all probably pursue this to varying extents) would want to protect the animals specifically and as a species because they were created by God. protecting their numbers, educating the public, and caring for individual animals would be worshiping God and glorifying His work because it highlights and adds value to what He's done. An atheist who just likes animals wouldn't have a perspective that large. But also as a Christian, whatever I do, or job i have, I should be taking a similar approach, doing it to glorify God.

1 Corinthians 10:31

So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God.

It's too long...

I've been supper busy recently, but I have to tell y'all about this:

It started last Friday night during the Encountering God Service. During worship we were singing "My soul sings" which I think is originally written by Tim Reimherr. (you tube video: http://youtu.be/10wlw9fi5NI )

I've always really liked this song, especially the bridge that says :

"It's just a little while longer and I'll see you.
It's just a little while longer and I'll know you.
It's just a little while longer and we'll be together."

It's just so hopeful, and even when I've been going through a rough time in my walk with the Lord it reminds me that this life is just a "little while" when I consider that eternity in heaven is so much longer. We have just this one shot to love and sacrifice to God in the manner we have now, through our finances, time, energy, fasting. What does 80 some odd years compare to eternity? Anyway, back to the point. We were singing this bridge and I was just struck with an urgency in my heart that a "little while" is too long! Suddenly I was crying while intermittently saying to the Lord "It's too long." and "I need you now." This went on for several minutes and then it was gone, I think some time after the song was finished. The same thing happened in the prayer room on Tuesday night and then Thursday in the early morning, but without the song playing. I was praying the same thing and BAM I was filled with so much longing for Jesus to be back. Davey Flowers (here's a youtube video of her song "wounded one" http://youtu.be/caLe5iPnZXA ) was singing a chorus with the phrase "come satisfy us" and I was filled with so much longing as I told Him that "a little while is too long...I need you now...come! ..." I dunno if this tenderness is the result of the fast that I just had ended the day before, but I was weeping more bitterly then I have in a while. Even after the tears stopped and my breath returned to me, I felt an ache chest, it felt kinda like missing someone, but kinda like hunger that is too high for my stomach. I dunno, but I kinda like it because I think Jesus feels the same way. I want to pull harder on His heart to bring Him back.

Here is a link to the archives of the Prayer room. on the right hand side you can scroll to find the 2-4am set on Thursday morning if you'd like to hear the set.
http://www.ihop.org/prayerroom/archives/

i "get it" a little bit more.

The subject of fasting has kinda been a big deal ever since we got here to IHOP. The people here really promote fasting as a part of normal Christianity, not "radical" or "legalistic." It's not the first time I've heard these teachings, and I do think that I had some measure of correct understand of what fasting is, but there was so much didn't really get about it.

I had enough understanding to know that fasting was good and we should do it, but I guess I never really understood why. This all came to a head when talking to my core leader Robert about the tension I'm feeling between "striving" and "pursuing". He was able to point out that the mindset with with I was viewing God is not how He presents Himself in the Bible. The crazy part is that I wasn't even really aware that I had this stinkin' thinkin' about God, that if I break a fast early that equals failing and He'd be upset and withhold Himself from me. That doesn't sound like a good God does it?

While sitting in the prayer room one night a thought occurred to me: If it [the point] is not about complete accomplishments of the spiritual disciplines that the Lord is looking at, but the 'reach of our heart', the the type and duration of fast is unimportant. I've heard the phrase 'reach of our heart' before, often in reference to various spiritual disciplines to talk about the purpose behind the actions we are doing. So is fasting really a tool God gave us to cultivate the longing in our heart for more of an understanding of His love and affections and His supporting care of us when we kick away our crutches and are required to lean onto what was always there? Could that really be the whole point? 'Cause that wuld be awesome!

I wouldn't even call this a "revelation" so much as a clicking-into-place-finally. This is still the Lord's work too, so maybe there isn't really a difference. I dunno. Through verbally processing it with Robert to check that my thinking was on track, I was able to check my thinking with another person who's had more instruction and experience then myself.

Fasting really moves my heart, and shows me the reality of how weak I am and how to sensitize to feel the love and affection He always has for me. Robert says it doesn't even stop there, because once there, God gets more glory. By acknowledging His love, it causes me to love Him more and praise Him more. So fasting is a tool for me, but it's also a tool for Him to gain more glory. Wow. He's so smart!

So the types and duration of our fasts isn't specifically what He's after, He really is after our hearts. A person could be reaching more on a Daniel fast then someone else drinking only water for weeks on end. He's after our heart reaching out in longing to Him, and that doesn't necessarily have to equate to pain. I think He probably hates that part. The trick for us is to make sure we aren't reaching less for Him then we were before, we need to be always increasing in our desire for Him. Fasting acts like "miracle grow" on the seeds of the Spirit, and cause the growth in our heart to be faster. After thinking on all of this, I'm actually encouraged and feel so much more free to fast now. Now that it's not this standard I have to meet, or gauntlet that I have to pass, I feel more free to do it. I can quit or not fast as much as I want to, based on my heart. Because I want my heart to be reaching for the Lord, I'm not going to want to quit.

the prayers of the saints

I wanted to share an image I had in my mind when I was sitting in the prayer room one evening.  It comes from the scriptures in Revelation describing the throne room in Heaven. 

Revelation 5

The Scroll and the Lamb

 ¹ Then I saw in the right hand of him who sat on the throne a scroll with writing on both sides and sealed with seven seals. ² And I saw a mighty angel proclaiming in a loud voice, “Who is worthy to break the seals and open the scroll?” ³ But no one in heaven or on earth or under the earth could open the scroll or even look inside it. ⁴ I wept and wept because no one was found who was worthy to open the scroll or look inside. ⁵ Then one of the elders said to me, “Do not weep! See, the Lion of the tribe of Judah, the Root of David, has triumphed. He is able to open the scroll and its seven seals.”  ⁶ Then I saw a Lamb, looking as if it had been slain, standing at the center of the throne, encircled by the four living creatures and the elders. The Lamb had seven horns and seven eyes, which are the seven spirits of God sent out into all the earth. ⁷ He went and took the scroll from the right hand of him who sat on the throne. ⁸ And when he had taken it, the four living creatures and the twenty-four elders fell down before the Lamb. Each one had a harp and they were holding golden bowls full of incense, which are the prayers of God’s people. ⁹ And they sang a new song, saying:
   “You are worthy to take the scroll
   and to open its seals,
because you were slain,
   and with your blood you purchased for God
   persons from every tribe and language and people and nation.
¹⁰ You have made them to be a kingdom and priests to serve our God,
   and they will reign on the earth.”

 I was only able to do this painting with the water color set I bought to get down idea while I'm here, so while I feel it was a good enough rendition to remember my intent, I am really looking forward to doing this one again with oil paints on a wood panel.  It'll be awesome!

time is short.

This month has flown by! I can hardly believe it's already almost October! GAH! I'm not ready!

I mentioned this to my brother last night when we were talking on the phone ( I think only the Benbow brothers would pick midnight as the the most convenient time to talk on the phone.) that I really like being in the prayer room. Coming to the internship I expected this to be the hardest part. Last night I surpassed 300 hours in the prayer room since coming to IHOP. There isn't really a expected goal they have in place for us, but my but personal goal has been 500 hours before the internship is over. Maybe I need to aim higher, I think I can make it to 600! The number isn't important per-say, but I like goals and achieving them. So there you go. Even in the short time we've been here, I've noticed how the studying and prayer has been getting easier. Somewhere along the line 5 hours became not enough to "get done" all the things I want to do in the prayer room. Since when has 5 hours not been enough time to do anything? Let alone the read the Bible.

I use to be one of the vast majority in Christianity who struggled to get through half an hour, and 5 hours at the beginning of the internship was extremely daunting. There was several years where nothing would knock me out like opening a Bible. I would almost instantly fall asleep every time I tried to read. I kid you not, even if I was just in the room where someone was reading a Bible, I would be more exhausted then I could understand. Sermons at church were nearly unbearable, and not because I didn't want to pay attention, but because I couldn't keep my eyes open! I would frequently stand in the sound booth where I was serving, just to try and keep some measure of attentiveness to the speaker. (How did I conceive of this as "normal"?) A couple of us made it our goal feel surprised when midnight came around and it was time for us to head home. That was very early in the intership, and now, I'm almost disappointed when when it's time to leave! (Sometimes I'm just really hungry and head home to get a snack.) That's clearly miraculous, not something I could do on my own! Yay God!

No, it's the Lion of Target.

So I have this one shirt from Target, with a line drawing of a head of a lion, and water color splotches adding some variety. It a great design, and I really like it. (hence the purchase.) But Every time I wear it in a Christian context, I frequently get the same question; "Is that the lion of the tribe of Judah?" to which I usually reply with "No, it's the Lion of Target." Or if they know that I draw and paint, I get the question "Did you draw that?"

Someone here on base asked me if i knew anyone who could draw it, because he's been looking for a lion to get tattooed over an older one he wants to cover now. Well I was able to explain to him that I actually draw and could get it done for him. Before I did the one i actually handed to him i did a "practice" in my sketch book, and then decided to play around with it in color. It came out pretty well I think, so I thought I'd share it up here. I hope you like it!

In prayer, there is life.

This was an image I saw in my head while in worship one day. I was thinking about how in prayer we connect to the Lord, the beginning and source of all life. He is the source of all good things, and we have nothing good apart from Him. I don't have specific verse that this came from, it was several all colliding in my mind and heart at the same time, but real quick it makes me think of John 17:3 "Now this is eternal life: that they know you, the only true God, and Jesus Christ, whom you have sent." and

Psalm 36

" ¹ I have a message from God in my heart

concerning the sinfulness of the wicked:
There is no fear of God
before their eyes.

² In their own eyes they flatter themselves
too much to detect or hate their sin.
³ The words of their mouths are wicked and deceitful;
they fail to act wisely or do good.
⁴ Even on their beds they plot evil;
they commit themselves to a sinful course
and do not reject what is wrong.

⁵ Your love, LORD, reaches to the heavens,
your faithfulness to the skies.
⁶ Your righteousness is like the highest mountains,
your justice like the great deep.
You, LORD, preserve both people and animals.
⁷ How priceless is your unfailing love, O God!
People take refuge in the shadow of your wings.
⁸ They feast on the abundance of your house;
you give them drink from your river of delights.
⁹ For with you is the fountain of life;
in your light we see light.

¹⁰ Continue your love to those who know you,
your righteousness to the upright in heart.
¹¹ May the foot of the proud not come against me,
nor the hand of the wicked drive me away.
¹² See how the evildoers lie fallen—
thrown down, not able to rise! "

He is so faithful even when I'm not.

This is basically almost verbatim to what I wrote in my journal yesterday. I don't apologize for it being so long, but it's too amazing not to share:

The past couple of days have been a bit rough, as I’m trying to loose un-biblical mindsets and understandings of who God is and have them changed into correct ones. Now this may seem a bit confusing if you read this post too close after the last one, but in my head it actually kinda makes some sense. By gaining revelation of His love it will allow me to let go and walk away from wrong perceptions of Him; one that reduce His power, glory, love, goodness… I could probably go one for a while. And just because it’s good doesn’t mean it feels good now. There are lots of different half formed ideas and thoughts about who He is running around in my head that don’t fit together and I’m trying to figure out how they fit.

Thursday I had a long talk with Robert about this question, where does sin come from, where does sickness come from, who’s fault is it, whose in charge of what aspects, the story of Job, the story of the man born blind, the woman with the issue of blood, our authority in Christ… Like I said, it was a long conversation that came after me balling my eyes out for a few hours as I wrestled with faith and offense. I walked away from my talk with Robert still pretty conflicted, but I did feel a bit better to get it out.

Robert didn’t really have an answer to the “why” questions, which I wasn’t expecting him to, but he didn’t discourage me from asking them. That was new. And he could actually relate to me grappling with questions of “why did this happen?” and “where were you when…?” better than most people can. He did to encourage me to turn around my questioning though. Rather than starting from my stand point, looking at this world and pointing back to God, he was saying I need to start with God and work from there. God is good even when I don’t understand it. He didn’t create us to die, but as we sow, we shall reap. Adam, who is the father of us all, sowed sin and he’s reaping big time. God could repeal the curse that sin ahs brought in, but He hasn’t. But the Bible, and the Hebrew people it was originally written to have a way different view on death then we do in our society now. The bible’s view is that the dead are just sleeping; some in ecstasy, others in torment, because it’s not really the end. Biblically the “second death” s what we should really be worried about. This isn’t viewed rightly either, because if it was, sin would be a lot less enticing. When we’ve been tempted to sin (lie, cheat, steal, gossip, sexual immorality) we’d remember that the result of that would be a trip to the lake of fire, and we’d say ‘it’s not worth it.’

Trying to reconcile cancer and Dad’s death is going to be tough. Robert was encouraging me to really pour my attention to studying and meditating of the resurrection of the dead when Jesus returns. The Bible repeatedly describes this as our hope. Also as I’m wrestling with these issues to not push God out of it. To not let go of praying the prayers, and singing the songs, reading the books, because He wasn’t to be a part of the wrestle with me. Man, this is going to be long…

All day long I had one of the songs from the prayer room repeating in my head, which isn’t too new, most days I have a song in my head, and here I’ve definitely had a worship song in my head all day long. It was the “selection” (I don’t usually do the picking you see) that was a bit odd considering that my heart has been hurting so much and wrestling with my emotions and thoughts to choose to trust and love the Lord. All day long the lines I kept hearing were:

“God is my refuge, my help in time of trouble
God is my refuge, my help in time of need.”

It’s a chorus frequently sung by Audra Lynn’s team, and that night I was reading in Proverbs 18: 10, it says; “The name of the Lord is a strong tower, the righteous run to it and are safe.” I’d say the odds of my thoughts preemptively matching up with the reading I’ll be doing later, are pretty slim. Even as I sat there, struggling to believe it, it warmed my heart to see His faithfulness to my heart. How adamant He is that I really get it, and really believe.

A short time later in the prayer room as I’m still writing, (though I’ve changed the order to help make it clear to the reader.) the worship team is singing through Psalm 46:1-3, which is weird because it says:

"God is our refuge and strength and ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear thought the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, though it’s waters roar and from the mountains quake with their swelling.”

And a chorus of

“I will trust in the name of the Lord
I will trust in my God
I will trust in the name of the Lord
I will run into Your name.”

This has definitely been the theme of my day, even in my wrestle.

The next day a friend prayed for me, and not knowing my situation or my day before, she said she felt like the Lord told her to tell me to read Psalm 28:7

“The Lord is my strength and my shield,
my heart trust in Him and I and helped.
My heart leaps for joy and I will
give thanks to Him in song.”

He's so good to me, even as I'm trying to believe it.

pb

Ephesians 3:17-19

This has been one of my favorite prayers in the Bible for a while, within my favorite book. The more I read, pray, and meditate on it in the prayer room, the more I like it.

Ephesians 3:14-19: " ¹⁴ For this reason I kneel before the Father, ¹⁵ from whom every family in heaven and on earth derives its name. ¹⁶ I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, ¹⁷ so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, ¹⁸ may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, ¹⁹ and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. "

Paul is praying that we will know the extent of this love that surpasses knowledge. Firstly; I think it's awesome that it's written in the Bible, and since it's all God breathed, that means that it's God's prayer for us to know His love. (If you need to, you can go let this blow your mind and come finish this post later. It'll still be here.) Second; That means that no one has known Him that way, or even fully searched out His love. This isn't even mentioning His glory, power, knowledge or physical dimensions (Yes, the Father and Jesus both have physical bodies. Feel free to leave and come back if your cranium needs a break.) whihc are all massively unfathomable, but it's His love that is crucial for us to grasp at and know. No one has ever fully searched it out; not Moses who spoke to Him face to face as a friend, not David who was a man after His own heart, not Solomon, the most wise one, not john, who is declared but himself (albeit by himself, but the other disciples recognized it too) "the disciple whom Jesus loved" not even Enoch, who was so loved by God that he never tasted death. "Enoch walked faithfully with God; then he was no more, because God took him away." (Gen 5:24)

He loves me (and you) more then anyone has ever loved anyone. EVER! Husbands and wives, siblings, parents and children, best friends. He loves me more then all of those relationships, and He wants me to search it out. I suspect I'll never find the edges, even after eternity,but I'm excited to start walking!

1 Corinthians 12

So this post is actually one something that's a couple nights old, I just haven't had a chance to sit down and get it written out yet, but it's still blowing my mind.

So 1 Corinthians 12 contains the body passage, so I've read it dozens of dozens of time because it was the main passage that the St. George's camp at Shrine Mont where I attended and worked, so it's held a special place in my heart. However verses 27-31 was what was really standing out to this time around:

1 Corinthians 12:27-31 "²⁷ Now you are the body of Christ, and each one of you is a part of it. ²⁸ And God has placed in the church first of all apostles, second prophets, third teachers, then miracles, then gifts of healing, of helping, of guidance, and of different kinds of tongues. ²⁹ Are all apostles? Are all prophets? Are all teachers? Do all work miracles? ³⁰ Do all have gifts of healing? Do all speak in tongues? Do all interpret? ³¹ Now eagerly desire the greater gifts."
(emphasis added by me)

Now this is blowing my mind for a couple of reasons:

1) God is placing "miracles" and "healings" on the same level as "helps" and "administration"! To me, that says that this is standard expectation. Church 101. It makes sense because for healing and miracles, all I really do is place my hand on someone and pray for God to show up and do what He loves to do. He does all the hard work.

2) He, God, is telling us to desire the higher levels of the moves of His Spirit. And He defines miracles and healing on the entry level. We would probably all agree that we see these more flashy impressive gifts would be greater, because we're more impressed by them. I can promise you, that when a person who is a helper shows up to give a conference at church, not very many people would be excited. People are usually glad when the helper is around, and even occasionally grateful of what they do, but people are stoked when a miracle worker prays for them.

3) I'm pretty sure that if the good good God who put that last verse"But eagerly desire the greater gifts." in the same Bible where He says "Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart." Psalm 37:4 then He intends to do it!

4) Chapter 13 is right after this, which is what Paul is pointing us to when he says "And yet I will show you the most excellent way." The "most excellent way" is love. Even after all of the gifts , the standard by which the Lord will measure us is love. DANG! I think the way we do Chapter 13 is by doing Chapter 12. By gaining a revelation of Jesus, we gain love for Him, which gives us the ability for us to love others.

I had to take a moment to repent for not valuing the things that the Lord values, and not valuing them in myself. It helped me to realize the way the Lord values out interactions with one another and we serve to help each other, and to have better appreciation for those around me. Also this makes me realize the accessibility of the the moves of God that are "greater" and those that are actually greater in the Lord's eyes.

a little gift.

This has taken me a while to post, but I wanted to share an image I had one day when I was in the prayer room. I used watercolors because it's less toxic and quicker then the oil paints I typically use, which makes them all around more conducive to life right now since I don't an actual studio place. I may re-do it later in oil, and I'm trying to figure out ways to pair the image with the words together in a more official format.

This may be the first time I ever had a writing part to go with it. It's not quite a poem, and it's not quite a caption, I think I can only describe it as the verbal discussion I had while having a visual conversation with the Lord. I know it's not just for me though, so I hope it blesses and encourage you and your walk with the Lord too.

...I could barely feel it, it weighed almost nothing at all. I’m sure I’d lose it if I didn’t keep checking that it was still there. And as I lifted it up and offered it to Him, all I could do was mumble; “I... I know it’s not much...” “It’s all I wanted.” “I’m sorry it’s so small...” “I’m not” “I wish it was bigger...” “I’ll take it. It’s beautiful to me.” “Well, it’s always been Yours.” “Yes, but I’m glad you are giving it to me.” He gently reached over and between two fingers, slowly lifted it and brought it close to his face. I couldn’ t even feel it as He lifted it from my hand. He looked at it, so intensely, yet with a smile spreading across His face. For the first time I noticed the color of his eyes. Had they always been this bright? As He starred, it began to glow, brighter and brighter still. I covered my eyes, but He never looked away. And then...I was warm.

We have to KNOW Him

During one of our briefing times with Robert, we had a pretty interesting discussion. He was telling us about hope and kinda gave us biblical parameters for what that means; one hope is that Jesus really will come back one day and bring us to Him (either in the process of this body dying or when He returns and gathers all the faithful to Him.) and also the hope that Jesus is now and during His reign during His second coming, preparing the entire world for the return of the Father. That’s going to be awesome!

Someone asked the interesting question, of ‘if God felt sorrow or grief’. He kinda let us go around with answers then told us we needed to find support in scriptures, not just concepts. This was a bit harder. I felt pretty confident sighting 2Cor. 1:3-7:

“Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any troubles with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ low over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows.”

How could He comfort us with what He does not know? Also Jesus told us that the Holy Spirit would be our comforter and perfect helper. It seems like I, also along with the group was kinda missing the mark. I’ll admit that didn’t have a firm scripture to definitively show that the Lord will mourn or grieve with us, and can relate to us in every emotional state. I knew it was true, because I’ve met him there, but would that be enough to convince anyone else? Would it be enough to re-convince myself if I ever need to? There were days and weeks strung together were I felt mere inches away from completely losing my grip on sanity as I’m trying to convince myself of truths I know but have no evidence for when I have an over abundance of evidence for things I don’t agree with. I was “stuck” in John 6:68-69 right after many of those following Jesus get offended and left, He asks the 12 apostles if they were going to leave too “Simon Peter answered him, “Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life. We have come to believe and to know that you are the Holy One of God.”

Robert was really looking for stronger cases of God feeling sorrow and grief. He said any of the prophets would have worked, showing that He is “hurt” by loss or broken relationships with people. We’re so temporary, and inconstant it blows my mind that He is affected emotionally (not in His power or His glory) by our relationship. Not that He “needs” it or anything, but that it matters to Him if we choose to be in relationship with Him or not. He pointed out that most of us were bringing up pieces of sermons we’ve heard, but that in the time of need, either ours or when we’re trying to comfort someone else, that this wont be enough. “I think that…” or “I’ve heard that…” will not be enough to get us through when life hits the proverbial fan. I can attest to that as well. I know I didn’t want to hear a “good message” after my dad died. I needed to meet God, for myself, and be convinced of His character. I still do. Knowing Him and encountering Him in the Word, and His breath upon it to make it real to our hearts will be the only thing that will keep is strong through…life.

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(insert clever play on words useing "sale" and "sail" here.)

After seeing the shoes I did for my former boss, my friend and former staff worker Dabney asked if I would be able to do a pair for her friend who had a birthday coming up. Dabney had the idea for sailboats because her friend "is originally from Florida and because she is really preppy." I just glad she wasn't a world class sailing enthusiast who would know all the technical terms for the pieces I abstracted or left out. Also, her logic was just awesome. This is what I came up with:


Dabney very generously agreed to pay me as well, which I'm of course supper stoked about. I've been wanting to get a small water color paint set to flesh out more of the images I've been getting in my head during prayer and worship to the Lord. I've already got a couple lined up that I'm excited to get wrapped up and posted here to share with you. My time during the internship has been pretty well claimed, but I'm excited to get these images on a more solid format then just my brain.

Prayer at the imagination-station. aka. my mind.

I want to tell y’all about an experience I had while in the Prayer room yesterday. I was sitting in the prayer room and the team leading was singing “Strong Love” by Jon Thurlow, I really like this song, and yesterday God met me while I was singing it.

The bridge goes like this:

“Your love is so high,

Your love is so wide,

Your love is so deep,

Your love is so long.”

Because I enjoy worshiping the lord with my imagination, I was trying to picture it in my head to help me relate and worship. So I initially imagined myself in front of a huge wall that continued left and right as far as I could see. I feel like He brought correction to my thinking. If the wall is God’s love, then there isn’t and depth because I’m standing at the bottom of the wall already. I’m already at the bottom. So I imagined myself standing in front of a giant rainforest, at the very edge of it, but He reminded me, that though the trees are very tall, they all have a height that ends. So I pictured myself in a boat on very calm water, just like the painting I had done and sold earlier, It's posted here on my website in the illustration section.) but He again reminded me almost without words, that this image wouldn’t work either because in a boat I’m already sitting at the top of the water. So I imagined myself on the side of a mountain, surely now there is more mountain below, above and on either side of me relative to my position. He told me again that this image doesn’t work because mountains get smaller as you get closer to reaching the peak. At this point I’m a little frustrated, and I say “Well, God, I can’t see it, I can’t place myself in front of it.” And His response to me, very gently, He said to me “That’s because you’re already inside of it.” And He showed me, myself getting sucked into a massive orb-like blue thing. I became so filled with His joy, that I’m crying as I laugh so hard that no sound is actually coming out. Later that night my core group leader Robert referenced the same passage I’m sure Thurlow was thinking about when he wrote the song. Ephesians 3:14-19 says;

¹⁴ For this reason I kneel before the Father, ¹⁵ from whom every family in heaven and on earth derives its name. ¹⁶ I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, ¹⁷ so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, ¹⁸ may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, ¹⁹ and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

Robert pointed out that Paul says he prays this for Christians, how often are we praying for ourselves, that we would be empowered to know and comprehend that which surpasses knowledge. Maybe if we did, we’d be a lot more excited about the subject of His love. …excuse me, I need to go pray.

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Double-Dose: our need for a purpose.

For the past several days the teachers in class, the speaker at the fellowship meeting on Saturday, and what I’ve been reading have all been fitting together into a nice package. I’m not saying it wasn’t their intention, but it is rather convenient.

Friday morning, Mark, the head of our One Thing Internship at the International House of Prayer in Kansas City gave a talk about “the power of a focused life” sighting Proverbs 29:18 “Where there is no vision, the people perish” and that the greatest law, Mark 12:30 “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.” So from here he starts talking about desire… What?

Mike Bickle does a great job in his book The 7 Longings of the Human Heart describing things that we were all created to desire. We long for these aspects: to be enjoyed, to be fascinated, to be beautiful, to be great, to be intimate without shame, to be whole hearted and to make a deep lasting impact, because we are created in God’s image, and these things are in his heart as well. I gotta say that I’ve been meaning to read this book for a long time, but have just never made the time to do it. Well I told you that part to tell you this part, I had just read the chapter on our longing to be fascinated the night previous to Mark’s teaching and it all fit together.

Mark basically outlined how if we have a small vision of who God is and what He intends to do in our life, our desire will be turned to any number of things. We were made to be fascinated. We cannot repent of desire. We were made for this. We can only repent of trying to fill it by means other then God given ones.

We need to have a focus in life, a goal if you will, because without it we wont get anywhere because we are going no where. We need to have a goal, so that we redeem the time we have, avoid laziness and will prepare for Jesus’ return in an appropriate manner. Surely we should be fascinated by whatever we make our goal, otherwise we’ll just be trudging through life desperately trying to get to the end. How depressing is that? But if we are fascinated, it will give use the energy and strength to press on and enjoy the work we are doing. If we are lining up our goals with the purposes the Lord has for us, it will come more naturally too because it will be the very things we were created for! Could He really be so good and to create us for a purpose and a work that we are excited for and want to do? Paul was maybe one of the hardest working people ever. He planted more churches then anyone, how could he have had the stamina to keep up such and pace especially going though the persecution and beatings he received on a frequent basis for preaching Jesus Christ is Lord? He must have loved doing it. Paul gives us a glimpse in his writing; 1Corinthians 15:10 But by the grace of God I am what I am, and his grace to me was not without effect. No, I worked harder than all of them—yet not I, but the grace of God that was with me. The grace of God being the very thing that empowered Paul (and us) to do the task before him. Isn’t it great when you’re given the very tools you’ll need to what you’re supposed to? Few things aggravate me more then I’m told to perform a task or duty but am not giving the ability or authority with the command. I’ve heard it said before by several people “A lover will out work a worker any day of the week.” And I think I’m starting to get it.

To give you all of the examples that Mark gave in class would make this post obnoxiously long(er). He had about 2 hours to talk, and I know I don’t stay on any single internet page for more then five minutes. But hopefully this will prick your heart as it has mine. I would encourage anyone to seek this out yourselves, and definitely read the book by Mike Bickle. I know for me, Mark’s talk, especially combined with how some of the other talks, and what I’m reading, all fitting together synergisticly has been very exciting. Before arriving here I knew this was an area in my life that I had problems in, but I had no language for it. I couldn’t address my lack of motivation, and excitement because I had no language to define it. Through reading that chapter, and hearing Mark’s talk, it put handles on the problem I couldn’t address, so now I can look at it, and build a strategy and game plan to reach that goal. What is my goal? I dunno yet, but if I’m able to maintain God as my fascination, it’s gonna be a lot of fun.

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Life on the Prayer-ie

(pun intended)

Well I’ve been here in Kansas City and the International House of Prayer for just a little over a week, but it feels like so much longer in all the good ways.

For those of you, who have asked how it’s going, and I can only manage to say “good” I hope these blog posts can better give you a glimpse into what’s going on in my heart while I’m out here. It’s not something that I could convey through a quick phone chat or text message. The Lord has been so good to meet me, when I’m just sitting in a room, choosing to believe that He is willing and excited to come hang out with me. Me. Dirty, double minded, insecure, unsure, weak, and distracted me while I’m sitting and accomplishing nothing that looks beneficial to anyone. Meeting the uncreated Lord Cod, Holy and Mighty, Creator of the universe, my Savior - and my biggest fan – in this context is breaking down a lot of the former mindsets that I’ve forgotten I’ve been carrying about who He is. It’s awesome.

There is this one song that has been played several times in the prayer room sets, that I really like and I think exemplifies this truth so well; "Dark but Lovely" by Sarah Edwards.

"I can't understand, this work of grace

How a perfect God would come and take my place

The stars they don't move You

The waves can't undo You

The mountains in their splendor

They cannot steal Your heart

This God who is holy, perfect in beauty

Awesome in glory is ravished by my heart

Chorus:

Though I'm poor, You say I am lovely

Though I'm dark, You say I'm beautiful

Bridge:

Somehow my weak glance has overwhelmed You

And somehow my weak love has stolen away Your heart"

I can already see the things that the Lord is already breaking down in me. Old mindsets and misconceptions of who He is, who I am, things I’ve only thought I’ve dealt with until now. I see Him doing it in my housemates, the members of my core group whom I’ll be doing life with for the next 6 months. Already people are getting their minds blown by the goodness of God. It makes me look forward to the long times spent in the prayer room. Even after doing it for several times, preparing to go into the prayer room for one of our 5 hours stints is rather daunting, but when He shows up and makes those little explosions in my heart and/or mind, it’s pretty great. It’s honestly a lot easier when I’m in it and engaged with what’s going on in the room and really hunting after His heart, then it sounds. (I’m told this is called the “honeymoon phase” of the prayer room. Does it have to end?) But I still like to be the guy who “gets stuff done” it’s uncomfortable to not have much of a list of things to accomplish, but just to open my heart to Him and receive what He’s already done and wanting to do more of. It’s because I built of this idea that I’m worthy when I’ve accomplished the most. He’s working on that too.

On a lighter note, the dryers on both sides of the duplex I’m living in are broken. So I got the opportunity to use a drying line in the back yard to dry my laundry yesterday. It was a bit uncomfortable at first, the consideration of having all my clothes just hanging out outside… but I decided “Hey, if someone is in such a rough spot that they need to steel my drawers off the line, they need them a lot more then I do.” As far as I can tell I got back everything that I put out.

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Just the begining...

Well I’ve only been here for a few days and most of that portion was taken up with orientation and settling in, we’ve only had three days where we’ve had an actual class/ an extended amount of time in the prayer room, but I feel like the Lord is already doing some great things.

Normally the interns will be in the prayer room from 6pm till midnight, but Saturday there were two hours before that. It’s pretty intense to have all this thought about who God is and how to interact with him poured into our head and then to be stuck in a room to go talk to him about it. I’m not gonna lie, the last hour on Saturday was pretty tough. I had to get up and pace back and fourth just to keep my mind awake enough to engage in what’s going on in the room. It was hard, but so enjoyable at the same time. If we were there for short spurts of time, it would be easier to just grit my teeth and run out the clock. When we’re in there for 6 hours at a time, what else could I do but interact with God? I really want to “go for it” while I’m here, especially in the prayer room. I want to try and implement the tools the leaders are trying t give me, because really if I wanted to just keep doing things like I’ve always done, I could have stayed at home.

I think maybe the most amazing things I heard yesterday were that God did not create separation, we did. When we sin, we want to cover ourselves with shame and distance, not willing to be near Him because we either a. enjoy it when we know we shouldn’t, or b. feel so ashamed/dirty/unworthy/afraid and we can stand to let him come near us. It’s so sad. From the very beginning, when Adam and Eve first hid form the Lord He was the one searching them out. And when they told Him what happened, his first reaction was make a promise that things were going to be made right once again. He promised that even thought we had partnered with the enemy for a moment, that He would make us enemies once again, and the seed of Eve (Jesus) would destroy seed of the devil.

Another thought that was reminded to me was of when Jesus went to go raise Lazarus from death (John 11: 38 ->). Ok, so here is God, who KNEW that Lazarus was going to die before… well, dunno when, but He wasn’t shocked when it happened. He even told His disciples 3 days before they went to see him that Lazarus was dead. That’s pretty impressive, but let’s be honest, not completely out of the realm of what we would expect any all-powerful deity to be capable of right? What’s amazing to me is that when speaking to the sisters of this man, that He took the time to weep with them (maybe just Mary?) before He did the work. He wept with her even knowing that in just a short time he was going to walk over to the tomb and tell him to get up. Wouldn’t we just tell her to get a gripe and raise him already? But He took the time to mourn with her, even knowing that the sisters would receive him back. Wow. Our God is not far off. He is not emotionless. He is here for everything we go through. It blows my mind, and heals my heart. Maybe just a little bit of what I need, but it’s going in the right direction.

I made it to the big city

I just wanted to take a second to let everyone know that I made it to Kansas City. I'll be spending the night with a friend from back home in RVA who lives here now, and tomorrow will begin the first day. I feel excited, anxious, relieved, and a bit bewildered that "someday" is "now" but mostly I just feel tired.
Today's drive was a bit harder then yesterday becuase my body was starting out tired from a lack-luster sleep on a lousy hotel bed, and the drive is just not as interesting. When going through the mountain there are things to look at, and turn to pay attention to, but past Kentucky, it's practically a straight shot all the way here. it's really neat how big the sky is though. a little ominous, I feel like I'm about to fall in, but the clouds with their slow shifting dance did provide the occasional beauty.

Oh man, here we go. I don't think I need to worry about getting to sleep tonight like I normally would before a big day. I'm wiped.

Operation: Job Security parts 3, 4, and 5

Right now I'm in a hotel room in Indiana, but I'm really excited about this project I did for my boss and I want to share it here before I got supper busy sharing everything that I'm learning in the Internship.

My Boss at Nordstrom got pretty darn excited when she found out I could paint, long before she even ever looked at my work. I guess I encourage that kind of trust in people. Well when she started asking me if I would do some work for her I started "joking" about how this would certainly need to secure my position at Nordstrom, and should act as a "get out of jail free" card. I was maybe half kidding. You may be asking yourself "What's up with starting with 3?" Part one was doctering a photo of her with her favorite member of her favorite band, because after waiting in line for hours, her eyes were closed in the photo. (Major bummer!) Part 2, was a painting inspired by said band. Because you know you're a supper fan, when you start creating memorabilia for your passion. But I think you'll really enjoy these three the best: She saw a pair of painted Toms shoes online and asked me if I could do one. Well, one turned into three, but she was so excited about this that it made me excited to do it. I honestly think that if she had been ho-hum about the whole senerio, then I wouldn't have wanted to do it at all. Because she was excited, I got excited too. It took me several all nighters in the studio because my lease was up at the end of June, but I got really into getting this done.




I was very very excited about these. So was she! I was kinda hoping she would cry (in a good way) but I did make her speechless for a moment or so, and that's saying a lot. I'm not gonna lie, I felt awesome! I'd probably even rock those pink ribbon toms, 'cause I think they turned out fan-freaking-tastic.

I'm working out how to offer custom hand painted Toms to continue bringing in money while I'm in KC. Give me a holler if you're interested in getting a pair for yourself.

Well it's after midnight I think (I'm not sure where this time zone change happens) and I have another long day of driving ahead of me.

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This little Light of Mine

To help me raise funds for my internship I had an idea to sell some paintings. I was faced with a big goal and not quite sure how I was going to get enough money for accomplish it. The internship itself cost just under $5000, and that's not considering life expenses, like car payments, insurance, money for whatever else comes up, etc. This covers housing, food, classes, and ministry trips during the internship, so considering all of that, the price is actually really good, but when was the last time that any of us ever paid for the next six months of our lives up front? Yeah, that's what I thought.

I also understand that there are lots of really good causes that need financial support too, so to help me reach my goal I decided that I should have an art show. One friend, Kyle Foster, even donated some photos of his to me to display and sell at the show. He's a fantastic photographer (and I'm not just saying that in case he reads this.) so it was an honor to have his work there as well. It took me a lot of work, but it was very exciting to get it all together and see those who were able to come out and help me. I had my photos reprinted and mounted, some of the graphic posters I've made up on the computer, several paintings, and many many many postcards.

One project that I did especially for the gallery night was one I called "This little Light of Mine". For the past several years candles and light have been a theme in my art. I like the way that fire and light symbolize and express the Lord. Passion. Clarity. Life. Oh man, I could probably go on for a while. Since I was in need of more product to sell during my gallery, I got the idea to paint on smaller 6"x8" canvas an individually unique candle. Each one is singed and numbered 1 - 50 in the order that I started them.

This is probably the most elaborate project I've tackled and second in size only to the one I recently did for my Mom. It was really exciting, to be painting them all, and I would probably change my tactic a little bit if i was to do it again, but I was supper pleased with how it turned out. It was so exciting to see them all together once I had finished. It took up an entire side of the room I was displaying in. And it was so extremely validating to see those to came out, not only to support me going out to try and purse what I feel the Lord is leading

me to do, but also to come see and buy my work to that end. It was a lot of work, I didn't sleep very much for the days and weeks leading up to the gallery night, but it was so worth it. I received a little over $1300 to go towards my goal, and was very proud of the work I had to show. There's lots of pieces still left over that need to find good homes, and I'm still looking for people who are willing to support and partner with me on this adventure, so

pop over to my site www.patrickbenbow.com and see if there are any pieces you'd like to purchase. Thanks for stopping by, I hope you enjoy going on this adventure with me.

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Web log back log

So…apparently I fell off schedule in posting. ( I know, I’m shocked too.) Things have been suppa-duppa busy, but I’ve been getting a lot of painting done along the way too.

Next week, I’ll be moving the Kansas City Missouri to take part in a 6 month internship with the International House of Prayer. I trust that this is not news to both of my readers, because by now I think I’ve told ever human being I’ve come into contact with for the last several months. If you have not heard about IHOP, they are a community of Christians who for the past 10 years have been implementing 24/7 worship and prayer, just like King David did in the Old Testament. These six months would be a concentrated time of biblical study, worship, prayer, and ministry in the local community. By setting aside this season of my life to seek after the Lord, desiring to better understand how to make Him the ‘one most important thing’ in my life, I’m really expecting this to be setting a strong foundation and a catapult into what the rest of my life will look like.

I’ll be retooling this blog to help keep everyone up-to-date on what’s going on in my life and in my heart while I’m there. It seems pretty natural to me to be incorporating more of what’s taking place in my heart into this blog because that is where most of the paintings come from. My art typically is and has been a visual expression of my meditations and prayers, while I focus on what He’s teaching me. Sometimes is just an expression of what I don’t know how to express in words. Not only do I see this time as an investment in my prayer life, but also in art.

So I tell you all that to tell you this: check back here often to see how things are going in KC. I’ll be giving updates, new revelations to me of scripture and the Lord’s heart, and prayer request too. I would really appreciate any help you are willing to give in partnership with me during this season of my life. I’m deciding now that to be diligent and intentional to post often and try and share as much as I can in this format. I’ll also have access to my email and phone, so use those to reach me too!

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2, almost too late.

I'm fairly tardy in getting these online, because for a while there I was unsure where my camera chord was located. But these are currently on display in the Art Works gallery!!! So stop reading and go see them in person while you still can! They'll be up through the end of April, but after that I'll show them to you as long as you remember to use the magic word... (hint: it's "please".)


"How deep the Father's love?" This piece almost won an award for the show too, but because it's many many many layers of oil paint, several bits of hair and dust and such got stuck in it along the way. I was aware of this, but decided to submit it into the show anyway. This was a big learning experiment to try and get a grapple on building layers with oil paint. It almost glows from the way it catches and diffuses the light with creates a very pretty effect that lends the piece an illusion of much greater depth then is actually possible. After my experiment I decided to turn it into a finished piece. Good thing I did too, because I've gotten a lot of very positive and encouraging responses from other people who have seen it. I think I'll redo this piece eventually and protect the surface better as the layers are drying.




















(I need to get a better photo of this piece. The yellow in the water is a reflection of the floor off of it's shiny surface.)



This piece I've titled "2nd Kings: the widow's oil". The passage is too long to paste here, but here is a link where you can read the entire chapter. http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=2%20Kings+4&version=NKJV This also reminds me of how it's only from the overflow of Christ in our heart that we are able to serve others. This is something I frequently forget. I get busy trying to do things in my own strength, or simply allowing myself to get too distracted (sometimes with good, even necessary tasks) and forget where my true strength and ability comes from.






















This piece took me a long time because it's 3' by 4 ' tall. It was a huge undertaking, but I love the impact of work on and looking at a piece at this scale.

I'll be posting pictures of my other current projects soon. I'm very excited about them and I'm excited to share them!

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